As the advisor for the Women’s Student Association, the organization responsible for coordinating our campus’s Women’s History Month programming, for the past three years, I normally finish out the month of March feeling mixed amounts of exhausted, frustrated, proud, and inspired. This year, I’d say that inspired – with a healthy dose of meditative – wins out. As the month ended and as April begins, I’ve been thinking critically about women and women’s issues more than ever. And I truly believe we’re on the verge of some real change here, ladies.
Just last week, we brought Molly Barker to campus as a WHM speaker. I had the opportunity to sit down with her for lunch the day of her talk, and I agree with one of the representatives at her agency that, “If you don’t leave a conversation with Molly feeling like you can conquer the world, you don’t have a pulse.” This woman is absolutely incredible. Molly is a founder of Girls on the Run International, a non-profit that encourages preteen girls to develop self-respect and healthy lifestyles through running. She is also just finishing up the Naked Face Project, where her and a friend went 60 days without wearing makeup, shaving, dying/curling/straightening their hair, wearing tight feminine clothing or heels, or using any anti-wrinkle or anti-acne creams, lotions, etc.
A lot of our conversation, and her presentation that night, focused around what is expected of us as women (most of it unrealistically so). One of the things that struck a chord with me when she was talking about her work was how she described young girls as being the “brightest beams,” who unfortunately go into the “girl box” around the ages of 8-10 and don’t come out until they’re 70 when they just don’t care what people think about them anymore (I found this last part funny since my 73 year-old grandmother seems to have recently hit this point). Molly described the “girl box” as when girls stop believing in their own awesomeness, start looking to society for cues about how they should look and act, and always find themselves coming up not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough… not enough.
GOTR is a great program for helping girls realize their awesomeness and giving them the tools to hold onto it – or what Molly would call “being the boss of your own brain.” You probably have the same question I did, though. What about the millions of women who did not have a program like this who are in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or even 50’s and are still stuck in the “girl box”? The ones who are still figuring out how to be the boss of their own brains?
Molly would say that it is not our calling to complain about the problems in the world but rather to take the steps that we can to change it. Likewise, I would say that I believe that none of us can single-handedly change the world. What I do believe whole-heartedly believe is that we can each change our little corners of it. So what I am I thinking?
We need to first change ourselves. Don’t like “the system”? Stop perpetuating it. I know that one day I can reach the highest level of my field. I know that my worth is not determined by the presence, or lack thereof, of a man in my life. But I still find myself playing into so many of the little things. Like me rarely leaving the house without makeup because I’m ashamed of my blemishes. Like me taking 20-30 minutes in the morning to blow dry and straighten my hair (even when I know it will only stay like that for 5 minutes max due to Florida humidity). Like me having a mini panic attack when I wasn’t carded for a bottle of wine when I was grocery shopping this weekend because that means I’m starting to look older and thus, by our society’s standards, less desirable. How can we get mad at men (and other women for that matter) for judging us on outward appearances if that’s what we’re investing the majority of our time and money in? How can we get mad if we are judging other women because they have cellulite or their clothes are out of style? Take some time to do a personal inventory of how you’re spending your time, what kind of products you’re buying, what you find yourself criticizing other women for and identify a few at a time to phase out of your life.
Secondly, we need to not take the work that has been done for us for granted. One of our annual Women’s History Month events is an awards reception at the President’s House with a few local women’s organizations. This year’s Elizabeth Cady Stanton award winner reminded me of this. In her acceptance speech, she told a story about how she recently spoke at her granddaughter’s history class. She was asked what the biggest accomplishment has been in the past 50-75 years. She said that she thought the teacher was going to have a heart attack when she said “birth control.” She also said that movies and tv shows like to glamorize the 1900’s and how she often hears people say they want to “go back to the good ol’ days.” What people don’t realize, she went on to say, was that “the good ol’ days weren’t so good for women.” I approached her at the end of the night to let her know that I haven’t always been the most regular voter but that, because of her words, I plan on being more active in the future. Her response? “Be courageous. And always remember and honor those that had courage for you.”
Next, we need to speak up. One of our events in its second year was “Masculine Mystique: Breaking the Myths of Male Perception,” where we have a panel discussion focusing on gender, sexuality, and males’ perceptions of women. This year, our panel consisted of a female-to-male (FTM) transgender, a fraternity man, an international student, and a bisexual man, among others. During the event, one of the panelists mentioned that he has a friend who is a student and dates a woman who is a little older and has a job. Because of their situation, the woman normally picks up the check when they dine out. According to the panelist, though, wait staff always places the check in front of the man. This turned into a conversation about whether or not they should just pass the bill over to the woman or point out the bias to the server. My two cents is that we need to speak up. I don’t think we need to be rude, but I think we’re never going to see widespread change if we always live with an “it’s fine” mentality. Challenge people when they use terms that are not gender inclusive, such as “you guys.” Challenge them when they make assumptions based on gender. Don’t be ashamed of what they may think of you. View it as an educational moment and realize that it may just be that you are the first person who has ever taken the time to do so.
Lastly, we need to stop being so critical of other women. This goes back to changing ourselves, but I think it is deserving of a little extra attention. We always kick our Women’s History Month off with our Women’s Leadership Conference, with 2012 marking its 25th anniversary. Our keynote speaker was Karen DeYoung, associate editor and senior national security correspondent for the Washington Post, Pulitzer Prize winner, and UF alumna. She was just returning from an engagement with Hillary Clinton and mentioned that the majority of e-mails Hillary receives are not about policy, but rather her hair and clothes. She also cited research that found, in the workplace, women are harder on other women than men are on other men or on women. Remember that we are on the same team! Quit being so hard on each other. Take notes from Gail Evans and remember that when She wins, You win. Advocate for each other. Give other women a space for their voices to be heard. Validate them. Celebrate their victories. We’re all in this together.
We need to move from a place of “not enough” to a place of “are.” Are smart. Are strong. Are beautiful. Are courageous. Are. Who’s with me?
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